only one way out this hole

man i feel great! i went to the gym last night and ive decided to not keep trying to put on the jeans that dont fit me. since it makes me depressed. instead ill try them on after each month of atleast TRYING to get back in them. lol

i'm at work right now. debating on getting a second cup of coffee. (had one at home)

last night i got home and was really annoyed! i live in the damn hood. so these kids / annoying hatian men who refuse to get jobs and instead make their job annoying me (for the past 7 years) were bothering me. as they do every time i walk in and out of my house.

my patience is wearing thin. anyway...there is a point to this. so i notice that every time i come into the house annoyed (a.k.a everyday) i storm in kiss my little nephew and make a b-line to the kitchen where i can find something to soothe me. it usually ends up being crackers, bread with raw honey, or whatever my mom had made for lunch for my nephew. so thats got to stop.

only YOU can decide how you react to something or how you want to feel about a certain situation. (atleast thats what i'm learning while reading "the 7 habits of highly effective people") hmmm. i wonder if i can change that come this afternoon. will i allow these thugs to ruin my health and sanity!? lol. either that or i move...in with the boyfriend. but thats a whole other subject.

so yup, going to WW at 12 on my lunch time. dont think im officially weighing in but i wanna just go to a meeting since its been 2 weeks.

did this post have a point? duno. but it was fun. i miss blogging about my daily annoyances.

rock bottom

i doubt anyone still reads this but i need an outlet...and I'm so out of the youtube thing.

so yesterday i stepped on the scale and it said 169. i knew it wasn't an accurate account of my exact weight because i had just eaten as well as finished drinking the night before. but even that meant that i was well into the 160's.

i had almost a breakdown. i cried for like an hour after i wasn't able to make it to the gym to follow my new "schedule" to get my butt back in gear and get back into the 150's. so i was at a lost and my boyfriend kind of gave me tough love. he told me everything will be ok and shoved weights in my hand. for the next hour and a half he basically made me do squats and lifts and crunches and spotted me.

i stopped crying after a few sets and realized i cant just say i wanna lose weight and it magically happen. i have to do the hard work that comes along with it as I've done in the past. But since I've been seeing the 160's for the past month or so on my scale I've just wanted it GONE magically and that cant happen. i cant just quickly move back into the 150's. i have to take it slow as I've before. but i have this want for immediacy. i want the 150's NOW! i want to look and feel how i did a year ago.

but it cant just be like *poof* I'm back to a comfortable weight and loving my body and being happy. i have to make the goals, stick with it. eat less, move more. and then results will appear.

so tomorrow I'm going to weight watchers. I'm making a commitment to the gym 5 days this week as well as sticking to my daily points everyday this week. thats all. nothing too extreme. can't wait for the scale to go back down. and my body and mind to feel better.

bad food choices feel crappy

not the best of food choices these past 2 days. i don't think i have any weekly's left. i think the whole month of February i should challenge myself not to use my weekly's.

i dont think i have not done that in probably a year or so. i just wanna get back to losing! grrrr. and my period is not help me. :(

lazy youtube bum

wow, so ugh. i've been such a lazy bum when it comes to the internet. i work with it all day so the last thing i wanna do when i go home is go on the computer. but i need to make a video this week to keep myself on track. so i'll make it either today or tomorrow. i have been going to my meetings. it's not like i'm totally off the wagon. i'm just not into the youtube ish.

but anyway, i ended up losing i think 1/2 a pound the first sunday of the year and then yesterday when i went to weigh in it said i gained it right back. which is no sweat because i didn't work out not once, i had my period....but *gasp* i didn't overeat like i usually do when i'm on my period. so i'm glad that i had that in check. the gain could have been huge. but it wasn't.

the goal is to finally stop believing that perfection exists. because it doesnt. and its okay not to be perfect in every element of weight loss. as long as at one point they are all being worked on, it works!

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about dancing in the rain."

the blob

i feel like the blob.

i just had chili w/ rice and i dont know how many points it was. grr. i start my day fine, then bullshit happens. hate it! hate it! hate it!

next week, i have no events or any thing special. i should do simply filling so it'll force me to not eat out.

and now i gotta find my really old camera. i can't make youtube videos cuz mine broke :(

going forward no matter what

i feel a little defeated because i stepped on the scale and it wasnt to my liking. plus yesterday i wanted to exercise yesterday and i didnt. instead i passed out on my bed after eating and eating and eating.

i've felt very sad since i came back from my vaca. probably because i just jumped right back into going to work and i had no time to get back to life really. my stuff is still at my bf's house. so i havent unpacked and my mind just feels a little hay wired and hectic. i wanna feel a little more grounded this week. so i'm happy it's friday.

i just need to force myself this weekend to exercise today and tomorrow. go to my meeting on sunday morning. take my weight as it is and move forward.

it's december. *sigh* 150 isnt looking like it'll come in 4 weeks. but that's because i can't see it. i can't visualize it because i'm constantly looking back when i should just remmeber that all i can do is go forward instead of wining about what i COULD have done.

anyhoo, my foods have basically been in check since tuesday. points wise. so i shouldnt freak out so much. but i just feel blah. and i need something to kick me out of it. and i bet you exercising would. so i'm going today. and cooking dinner today also. i havent cooked for myself in a while.