rock bottom

i doubt anyone still reads this but i need an outlet...and I'm so out of the youtube thing.

so yesterday i stepped on the scale and it said 169. i knew it wasn't an accurate account of my exact weight because i had just eaten as well as finished drinking the night before. but even that meant that i was well into the 160's.

i had almost a breakdown. i cried for like an hour after i wasn't able to make it to the gym to follow my new "schedule" to get my butt back in gear and get back into the 150's. so i was at a lost and my boyfriend kind of gave me tough love. he told me everything will be ok and shoved weights in my hand. for the next hour and a half he basically made me do squats and lifts and crunches and spotted me.

i stopped crying after a few sets and realized i cant just say i wanna lose weight and it magically happen. i have to do the hard work that comes along with it as I've done in the past. But since I've been seeing the 160's for the past month or so on my scale I've just wanted it GONE magically and that cant happen. i cant just quickly move back into the 150's. i have to take it slow as I've before. but i have this want for immediacy. i want the 150's NOW! i want to look and feel how i did a year ago.

but it cant just be like *poof* I'm back to a comfortable weight and loving my body and being happy. i have to make the goals, stick with it. eat less, move more. and then results will appear.

so tomorrow I'm going to weight watchers. I'm making a commitment to the gym 5 days this week as well as sticking to my daily points everyday this week. thats all. nothing too extreme. can't wait for the scale to go back down. and my body and mind to feel better.